Sitting at a table full of friends and their S/O I stopped and realized that everyone was either married or engaged to be married. The progress and evolving of my counterparts made me stop and think about myself! Where i’m at, where I want to be, and why i’m not there yet. Self reflection in a crazy way.
I know why i’m not married, and I know what a lot my major road blocks are for myself. In no way am I comparing myself to my friends, it was merely a strong observation of growth in a direction that i’ve told my therapist many times that I long for.
I want to be married, but its not the title that I want. I want to feel open fully and not be scared of that vulnerability or what comes with openness. I want to build more then my empire. I want to take that step like my friends have done. The realization that all I want and all I need outside of the material things in life is that one person. I talk to my mentors and they tell me and try to help me understand it, but I know its something I have to just let myself do. But there in lies the problem, because I fight myself and my feelings.
When I want to scream at the top of my lunges “I LOVE YOU” or simply say “I miss you” or just that “I want and need you!” my voice falls short. When I want to just sit and unravel all of my deepest fears, I draw a blank. Sometimes I just want to go and just sit in silence knowing that i’m saying so much with out saying anything at all. In the end I just want to be able to be honest with myself and stop allowing the representative to be present. Accept all of the love that is right there looking at me. For someone to convey that they see everything that is you, even that which I don’t speak about, is stifling reality that maybe someone really can love someone that much.
But, in the end i’m left with thoughts that maybe i’ll never get out of my own way, or maybe I will…..me vs me
In the last two weeks I have allowed myself to lose my cunning and step backwards, on three different occasions, and let my attitude and anger/assumptions in some cases get the best of me. I’ve allowed my limited sleep and busy schedule leave me short tempered and irritable, which has let off a negative frequency that has in turn attracted negativity back to me. I’ve spoke in a way that shouldn’t of to others and been wrong in my actions or my reaction.
At the end of the day I know I’ll have days that I have so many thoughts, so many feelings, an overflow of emotion going through me that I’m blinded and can’t truly say how I feel. In situations like this I’ve found it best to fallback and allow my Personal Development of prayer take over. But, I know that a better way of expression of how I feel is needed. #workinprogress
The next step that I take is the one that matters. I have the power to choose right now what that step will be.
I control me and how I feel/react… #regroup