BG

I can still see the passion in your eyes as I leaned over to kiss you..
I can still feel your heart race as I kissed your soft lips..
I still taste u as ur cup overflowed into my mouth..
the way u wrapped u legs around me as I dug deeper into u..
sliding down to taste u and seeing ur hands reach to grip the sheets as I made ur body peak…
yes I can remember u..
I remember all of u…..

So since your not here ill be patiently waiting your return….

In the mist of trying to understand the last two weeks hell to understand the last month an a half. I feel like so many flags have went off in my mind, but I choose to ignore and stay the course of just getting to understand my place and be sure of my decisions. Somewhere in the middle of this I lost something; maybe a connection, a feeling, or a love that once stood. I can’t pin it. Things I’ve heard I’d never think to hear, things I’ve seen I’d never think to see. Feelings that I feel I thought were lost resurfaced. A pain or a feeling of being used exposed for the truth.

Maybe I was to busy or blind to see what was going on around me, or to focused on moving and getting this job and saving to realize something had changed.

Lies built up anticipation mounted until an explosion. People that once cared don’t know how to speak. Heat of the moment apologizes fly quick to a supposed mistake. But was it really a mistake, a fight or a want better yet a need of sincerity to prove that ur words are true. But instead silence falls nothing is said. It was getting good, and now forced up against a wall. Instead of truth more lies in my eyes mounted to crush my hope as I started to believe that “maybe, just maybe”

A twist that should be my joy is my fear.

My heart is hurting and in pain..by Monday last week my heart broke..by the today it shattered……

We wake up to smiles that warm one another’s soul. A beautiful day to spend with you! A day that is like others but yet another day to learn you and love you…

We get dressed and go to church…taking in of the Lord’s words as we hold hands and feel the love the lord blesses over us…Small little inside giggles at the old couple a few pews in front of us…laughs at thoughts of one day that being us…the look in your eyes tells me that you are the one that God sent to me. So many failed relationships where others choose to go a lesser path, all prepared me on how to receive you and give you all of what they missed out on and more. Through my past I’ve grown to know what I shouldn’t do or why it’s important not to lie to cheat or wrong the one you love…Now I know how to love better…

You make me smile with the goofy lip singing and dancing as we head home, but let’s take a detour on this beautiful day. Let’s walk on the harbor and people watch as well as look at the beautiful view. We can look out into nothing but yet see everything. Yet, I can’t help but think about how beautiful you are. You catch me looking at you and with that smile and you say “what?” an all I can reply is “Nothing, I just love you!”

On this Sunday I can admit I’d never trade in the smiles, the slow dances in the shower…as you laughed at my goofy imitations, the late nights I watched you as you slept, or the first time I realized I loved you…

See what you don’t realize is…For you it’s worth it all…

Shhhh…close your eyes…trust me…let me help you take off your shoes, I need your feet to feel the ground…Let you know that you are beautiful in that dress…take my hand and let me lead you into this room…a room where the ground is soft as if walking on silk with every foot step…shhhh…let me slightly undress you and lay you down…beautiful soft skin as I caress you with soft petals as they fall from my hand to your skin..petals falling and finding all the places that give you goose bumps…as I remove the blind fold to your surprise you’re laying on a bed of rose petals and roses all around you..You look to the floor to see what that soft touch was…soft rose petals laid throughout the path that you walked and as you stop to look at me you notice a view that can only be described as surreal…blue skies seem to be a mirror to the beautiful blue sea water as you see the water flowing up and down. A beautiful scene for a beautiful woman worthy of her hearts desires…

First, let me remind you that I was never just trying to get in your jeans. I made you my goal, the point of my interest and affection. I got to learn your ups and downs and everything in between that lead me to your mental which taught me about your insecurities, before proceeding to your physical. From there I wanted to make you feel beautiful every day. Show you the inner parts of what a stimulating conversation can do. Build off your ambition and make our goals come true. I want you to see that it’s real and that you are my focus until I make you see how beautiful you are.

Beautiful as Sunday in the spring, Saturday in the fall…Beautiful as poetry is your voice as you speak to me…so with you I go over the top…fantasies of love come true…visions of passion that is ignited with no penetration because to penetrate you, one must penetrate your heart, mind, which lead to your soul.

So I ask you…do you deserve this beautiful gift of love…

I’ve cheated on you. I’ve creped behind your back. I’m caught so let me be honest then apologize.

I met her with her friends, at an event that my boys and I showed up at. We exchanged smiles and from there it was a smile that sent shivers down my spine. She had my attention. Not even knowing how to spell her name right I found her name on Facebook so I could pursue her. From there she captured my eyes and my soul. I knew she would be the greatest love affair that I’d ever know. So why would I turn her away. Yes I may be a fool to you, but the way that girl looks at me I’ll admit I’ll cheat every time. A woman of many faces that astounds me; from our conversations about politics to the way she looks at me when she is in that mood. Got me, thinking…telling my momma and my friends all about her..she got me day dreaming of touching…holding…kissing…as I’m sweaty with….hmmmmm

So yes I’ve been cheating; you’ve caught me red handed. But I’ll cheat on you right now with this mystery woman that you cringe your face at. Baby that girl is YOU. I cheat on you with you every day. I thank you for the smile you give me every day. The way, you brighten my day and make me strive to be better than I was the day before. So for that I’ll cheat on you with you every day. You are my soul, the caretaker of my heart, the one that will always be my girl.

You give me life….I love you…..

For some reason i’ve checked out…I have so much on my mind that the things that used to bother me i’m not thinking about…i’m not allowing myself to be pressed over the usual things and or looking for anyone to comfort me or understand me….

There are a few things that have me soooo upset right now. I play it off as if i’m fine with a lot but I can’t hid the look on my face. I’m mad frustrated disappointed and flat out anger about somethings. I’ve taken these things and purposely not thougt about them for fear of my outburst or what I may truly say. I’ve taken it put it in a box and tucked it away…i’m not gonna open the box…i’ve seen the truth to a lot which was mislead to me or lied about…i’ve heard the things that I didn’t want to hear..i tried to accept some things but know i can’t forgive that which has happened…

I’m not going through the motions of life…i’m just refocusing mine and going foward and not lookin in that box…..

I love you. The woman that believed in me more than I believed in myself… I truly believe if I told you that I wanted to be an astronaut you would say “Ok, let’s make it happen!” That was you… So many nights I prayed for a woman like you. Someone who supported me in every way that I needed and wanted…I waited on you for years and went through many trials and tribulations to finally have you in my life. The right woman, not the perfect woman…because only the right woman could truly see what you see in me… So many women pretend to be the one by always boasting about how they are a good woman and they know how to really treat a man…but you are the epitome of a good woman…

You are the woman that dreams with her man…the valentines days that we shared where we both treated it as a day to cater to love, not just me catering to you…you made me feel as if it was you and me through it all, no no it WAS you and me through it all…you took care of me and thought about me in all aspects…it never felt one sided…we are the perfect team…we both had our imperfections but you had me always clocked in and working hard to show you that you were special to me…

Yet with all your Mrs. Right…I let my eye wonder to Mrs. Wrong…I over looked what I needed for what I wanted…I let your love slip away for a fantasy of what I thought I needed, I let passion embrace me and take my mind off the prize…the full time employee became a part time employee to your heart…and in return I’m left walking the streets of life alone with all these imitations of you…not the perfect woman but the right woman…for me………..

This time was different….See, I remember the day I found you. The day was perfect as I laid there just staring into space at all the things we could be. You excited me in more ways than one. The thought of you gave me a smile that felt like the sun caressing my skin and it warming my soul to its core. With you I saw beyond mere feelings and fantasies, because you came over me like a warm blanket on a cold night, comforting me and making me feel safe; while also putting to rest all of my fears and hesitations. See, once again I believed in you…..

Why is it that I looked to you for my joy and happiness? You you you, the beautiful system of morality that took my mind and heart to places that you only read about in stories. With you I was living a fairytale of possibilities. There is no saying no to you, I can’t because I don’t know how to.

My secret reason for continuing down this path with you is simple…I believed in you and I’ve waited for you so many times. I’ve shed so many tears at the thought of how real you could be. You touched my soul so many times and warmed my heart when it felt cold inside. You had me going outside of myself without thinking twice about it. Beautiful dinners, trips to exotic places, kisses under moonlight and just watching you grow inside of me…

So I ask you, LOVE. Why do you torment me with the thoughts of forever? Pollute my mind with thoughts of smiles that last longer than my life could ever be. See LOVE I invested into you, that you would bring me full circle when I’m ready and show me the best of you. Send me into a tunnel vision where all I see is you and no one else or anything else. I keep falling in LOVE with LOVE and all the joy it brings just to watch it end or not turn out how my heart would desire. LOVE why can’t you just stay? Why can’t you just be mine? Why can’t you take me into forever? See LOVE the issue is…I’m READY FOR YOU, I’m even more ready for FOREVER with you, but I really don’t think you are ready for me…

I want LOVE to be perfect, but I realize now that there is no perfection in LOVE…

So today LOVE I say goodbye…you win, you have taking too much from me and I simply have nothing left to give LOVE anymore…